Truths for Mature Humans

a collection of truths that I've stumbled upon. 

oh the funny things I come across


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 100% completely wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to navigate myself out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions usually make great stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to start my Disney collection .... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I didn't make any changes to....

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. Or I'll just send it over to the dry-cleaners because I'm a pansy and can't "gently hand wash."

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and/or goes straight to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good in a hot outfit... and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Tequila than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie from my childhood, and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger... #snackerproblems

24. How many time is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver, I hate pedestrians. As a pedestrian, I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey... but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed - first time and every time!