You Give the Strength to Me

photo courtesy of We Heart It
... a strength I never had

"I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live

and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." (Jn 11:25-26)

Happy Sunday, friends! 

This morning, I woke up, pulled on a navy and white polka dotted shift, slipped on a headband and headed off to St. Joseph's 9 am morning mass with my Bible in Kate Spade over one arm and an iced tea in the other hand. Although it's only been week 2, I have now dubbed this weekly ritual of Sunday mass- something I look forward to - and yes, these glorious Sunday mornings are very dear to me. I cherish the time of reflection before mass when I listen to a little Dave Matthews and/or Snow Patrol as I cross the Montlake bridge and drive towards the neighborhoods of Capitol Hill. I am absolutely in love with the beautiful trees and quaint surroundings of the parish, the stained glass windows and dim candle lights. All around me, I feel it -- security, peace and ultimately, God's love surrounding me. 

In today's Gospel according to John, we listened to the "Raising of Lazarus" - which was acted out in song and dance instead of Fr. Whitney SJ's usual reading from the pulpit. Although I was a bit taken back by this, the dance was moving, inspiring and invoked more emotion/understanding than if I were to just simply listen to the words being read. The verse above, from this Gospel, calls us to reevaluate our faith and questions how strong our faith is in God? 

Questions to ponder: How much do you trust the good Lord? Do you truly believe in Him or are you having trouble with doubt and skepticism? 

Believe me when I say that I have dealt with these questions - oh so many times on numerous occasions. The fact that I'm still here and fully putting my trust in God and believing in Him with my whole heart -- well, that's a pure testament of how moving and influential this faith journey has been in my life, especially the people who have helped me along the way (i.e. my mother, Father Pat and others). Their dedication and inexplainable love can really change person for the better.

What I've realized is that no matter what happens, in the end all of it comes back to one thing-- the roads lead back to Him.

As early as age 5 when I took Sunday bible classes with the other mini-Kinder kids at Holy Trinity, we learned that God is the Alpha and the Omega -- the beginning and the end. In high school, this idea was reiterated with my freshmen religion class, instructed by Fr. Pat with the explanation of a typical Catholic's faith journey. In the beginning, when we are young - we are closest to God, and at the end, when we have a family and begin to grow old, nearing the end of our life - that is when we come back to Him. It is our natural instinct. Thus, it is with the beginning and the end that God is with us, and we are with Him. The in-between... well, that's what makes each of our journeys so unique. 

This is what makes us... us. 

So with today's Gospel, I thought about how difficult it was for Mary and Martha to see their brother die. Yet, amidst such tragedy, they affirmed their belief in Jesus -- because as they said, if He were there, Lazarus would not have been dead. They believed in Him, the resurrection and the life everlasting. With that, Lazarus was awaken and came back to life. 

Through Jesus -- through God, there is eternal life. 

Today, I ask of one thing: 

Lord, please give me the strength - a strength I never had - the ability to understand the Word and the willingness to open my heart and place my trust in Your hands. Help me to always see life beyond death and to truly believe, forever and always.

Today's title was inspired by Snow Patrol's "Give Me the Strength." 

Starin' out into the world unknown -- questioning:
 what else is there and when is it enough?

Last night, was just one of those nights... Katie B. and Miss AKG heard me vent my frustration, stresses and fears, basically an accumulation of all the "blahs" and ridiculous things my mind fills up with -- one minute I was laughing; then next, I was an ultimate and complete hot mess. 

So why have I now officially been dubbed the "fountain of tears?" 

Disappointment. stress. frustration. disrespect. rumors. gossip. the fear of graduating early and leaving my beloved sweet Alpha Dees. the fact that I have put all of my effort, time and energy into a chapter and that in one blink of an eye -- my youth and college years will pass by ever so quickly. 

As a result, I have found myself, more than ever, turning to God and taking long runs. I don't want to confront the issues now, so I just keep on running -- thinking that it will all go away for that hour and that when I return, it will solve itself. Not necessarily true though because it will come back  and stare right into your face; then asks you, "Really.... you think you can run and hide? Poor child, don't be so naive." 

"Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my right hand of justice... For I am the Lord, your God, who grasp your right hand; It is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:10, 13

Hold my hand, God, and help me find my path... because honestly, in times like these.. I just wanna curl in a ball and hug my little alphie lion and cry into the pillow that my dearest Big Diamond Sis sewed for me. - Hence, the name "fountain of tears" is most appropriate for these past few weeks.

But hey you know what? God gives me hope. So I know that it'll all work out in the end. His plans for you and me... well, it's a bit of a mystery but a good one at the very least. So I shall not be too worried... or at least try not to worry.

For now, Imma try dryin' my tears -- I'm prayin' for a hot sun to evaporate these little puddles and the bags under m' eyes to de-puff. Looking forward to truly livin' these next 9 weeks with my sweet Alpha Dees, spending a fabulous time with my EO sisters in June/July and celebrating my last 10 weeks of fall quarter with the best friends any girl could dream for, and no, Miss AKG I'm not getting mixed up between "best," "close," "just friends" and acquaintances.... these women are the best - and the few that I have grown very close and fond of -- those are the true gems. 

"Unwinding Cable Car" by Anberlin -- this song takes me back to the April Coed Encounter '07

"I came into this world for judgement so that those who do not see might see." (Jn 9:1-41)

photo courtesy of Putnam
St. Joseph Parish
Seattle, WA

"Not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart" 1 Samuel 16:7

A bit cold today, but nevertheless, it was still a beautiful Sunday morning. Woke up at 7:00 am, got ready, placed my Bible in the Longchamp and skidaddled on to Montlake -- heading West. Eight minutes later I found myself in front of St. Joseph Parish, and it was a beauty. Standing on the steps in awe, I took it all in -- the stained glass windows, gothic architecture, the gold cross at the top - shining in all of its glory amidst the grey skies. I was overwhelmed with love, hope, and peace.

This was it - this was what I was waiting for... so why was I scared? I think I was a bit shy... maybe timid and unsure of God's calling? My heart was beating ever so quickly, as I opened the heavy doors and peeked inside.

Remember, my "wake up" moment? Well, this was the next step in my faith journey: find a place of solitude and reverence where I felt truly comfortable and at peace with -- so today, I tried St. Joseph's (recommended by Fr. Pat) 

And oh boy, am I sure glad I took Fr. Pat's advice and ventured to this parish... because this church, the atmosphere, the people, the environment -- it's where I truly felt at home and truly comfortable. 

When I first stepped inside the church, there was something about the candlelight, beautiful and traditional setup of the church, family dynamic and uber-high ceilings that just made everything "oh-so-right." 

the stained glass window at the front of the church affixed above the altar
Ad'Majorem Dei Gloriam - "For the Greater Glory of God"

Above is a picture of the stained glass window that I kept starin' at before Mass began this morning.... If you look at the top (sorry it's a bit dark and blurry) it says "Ad'Majorem Dei Gloriam" meaning "For the Greater Glory of God." This was one of those Latin verses that the Jesuits made us students memorize at Jesuit High my freshmen year.... that and Age Quod Agis (Do Well Whatever You Do). 

-- Just a little throwback memory for y'all

After the last verse of the closing song at today's Mass, I really felt at peace and satisfied with how I spent my morning. 


Dear St. Joseph's, you'll be seeing lots and lots more of me in the future -- imma come back to you every Sunday with my Bible and we'll be sharing our love for the good Lord. 

For today's Gospel (according to John), Fr. Whitney S.J. (S.J. means they're a Jesuit priest -- just in case you didn't know) read the story of "The Blind Man," and I was amazed about how that story currently resonated so much with my life and today's discovery of St. Joseph's. The man was born blind and unable to see until he met Jesus. We are reminded to open our hearts and our calling so that we may "see." Through our love for Christ and dedication to our faith, the good Lord will allow us to see all the good there is and help us overcome blindness. We remember this calling through the symbol of our Baptism and the waters which washed away our sin -- thus, in John's Gospel, Jesus says to "Go into the pool of Siloam." 


My response to God's calling:

Yes, Lord, help me to see; the goodness in others - the love in the world -- and most importantly, to see You. 

photo courtesy of We Heart It

I was once blind... and now, after rediscovering my love for Christ and my "wake-up moment," I guess you could say I'm a bit near-sighted. Now for the rest of my life and faith journey -- I'm working on getting to that perfect 20/20 vision and seeing all the good and love God has to offer. 

Back Where I Belong... Never Felt So Strong

St. Benedict's Chapel - Mckenzie Bridge, OR
 (April 2008)

Are you there God? It's me, Amanda. 

Yes, today's lack of creativity resulted in starting this entry like a Judy Blume book. Apologies if you're a bit disappointed. Hopefully, that won't deter you from reading the rest of it because today's entry is unlike my other ones. Instead of writing a simple chick-flick inside scoop to my sorority life or ramblin' on how much I love my Alpha Dees, etc., I'm baring my soul for you (for the first time, maybe not the last too) and documenting my "wake up" moment -- a coming-back to my true self, the old me whom I've lost when I first came to Seattle. 

....

Okay... so, here it goes. 

"Beloved: bear your share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." 2 Tm 1:8b

That's taken straight from today's 2nd Reading (for those of you church-goers, 5 gold stars to the next person who can summarize the main message of the Gospel reading; *hint: Transfiguration). 

Hardship:

Well, this morning was both joyous and disheartening for many reasons. First, the realization that I was stuck in a whirlwind of confusion and disappointment became quite apparent over my conversation with a dear old friend of mine, Fr. Pat. How did I come to this? Imma set the context for ya.

Since pre-school, I had attended a private, Catholic school: Holy Trinity (Beaverton, OR) for K-3rd, Pope John XXIII (Scottsdale, AZ) during 4th grade, St. Joseph (Vancouver, WA) in 5th-8th grade and finally, Jesuit (Portland, OR) for high school. I went to Mass twice a week, prayed the rosary at least three times a month and participated in confession twice a year. I, being my mother's child, was close (very close) to God. Celebrated all of the sacraments, altar served, and enjoyed every minute of it. Being Catholic was very important in my life - it was my strength and source of hope. When I graduated from Jesuit, it was my wish to continue my devotion and spiritual life. However, to my dismay, college became a distraction, and I strayed away from my faith. 

This mental block/ "absence of God" phase was not ideal, obviously. Shameful to admit, this lack of spiritual fulfillment persisted for the past three years, and it wasn't until a couple days ago, that I realized what it was doing to my life - physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Strength (fast-forwarding to now): 

It has been a little over three years now (1,095 days to be exact) since I last visited Jesuit High School, and this past Friday (March 18th, 2011) marked my first return since graduation. 

For me, it was the moment I stepped foot into the hallways, ventured through the chapel and celebrated mass with old faculty members and the students that I reached my "wake up" moment. 

That was it - this was what I needed.

My soul had thirst for it -- At that moment, time stood still, and nothing seemed to have changed. Just the people growing older, but that strong sense of community, it endured after all these years. For months, I had yearned for that feeling -agape - love and security - and that's what I felt at Jesuit, especially when I spoke those sacred words during Mass. I wasn't "going through the motions" like any other Mass service ( specifically the ones up in Seattle at the Newman Center - no offense, I just haven't found that feeling there).. The words I spoke - psalms, refrains, creed - it all meant something to me. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, pure bliss and peace fall over my soul. 

I wanted it to last forever.

there is a light that will overcome the darkness...
 ACE '08 Encounter Love

"Wake Up" Moment:

This morning, I met with Fr. Pat Conroy, a Jesuit priest whom I deeply admire and had the privilege of being his student during my freshman year at Jesuit, for coffee at the Starbucks right next door to my high school. 

Laughing and crying, we chit-chatted about life after Jesuit - college, career paths, relationships and friends. Then, we got to some serious stuff; I discussed my faith journey with him, describing how I truly felt about God and what I was struggling with in my life. I felt like one of the lost sheep that I had read about over and over in Mark's gospels. 

With tears brimming my eyes, I asked him "Am I a bad Catholic?" I half-expected him to reply "Yes," and explain to me the many ways I could repay God for my lack of piety and devotion these past three years. 

Instead, he looked at me, crossed his arms, half-smiled and said "No." "You are not a bad Catholic, Amanda. You're normal and just going through that part in your faith journey where everyone struggles with God." 

The next hour and half, we discussed how much I missed God, the role He played in my life and how to come back home.

In those 90 minutes, I had never felt so uplifted. Just 90 minutes with Fr. Pat,  having an open discussion about God and working through my troubles... that was what I truly needed. Not one homily or service that I had attended since graduation could measure up to this morning's conversation. Because of this morning, I finally feel reconnected again.

More than happy to say, I strongly think believe that I have rediscovered Him in my life. 

It's nice to be back -- it's a good feeling - it's like I'm taking a bit of Jesuit 

and locking it up in my heart forever. 

The title of this entry comes from "Coming Home" by Diddy feat. Skylar Grey

And yes... my soul has finally come home.

all you need is love.

photo courtesy of We Heart It

step one 

LOVE.

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-2

Love is not simple. It is complex and at times, quite difficult. For me, love is the hardest obstacle to overcome. I greatly struggle with love.  At times, I wrestle with the idea of being able to love everyone. I know that not every person can be my best friend (as Annie G. likes to point out that I have too many "best" friends when they are really just acquaintances), but every person deserves to be treated equally. BUT sometimes, there's just the select few that I simply don't get. I just want to ask them "Are you for real?" or "Did you really just say that?" And then I must remember, that everyone is different for a reason.  

However, when I forget that simple fact... I begin to categorize. It's an awful flaw of mine. I think it's in our innate nature... to judge. It's at that exact moment when we form this misconception/bubble around the person based on that one impression or an accumulation of rumors, gossip, and awkward interactions. And then we justify our actions with "Isn't it just easier to hate loathe/dislike. Isn't it better to just ignore them? They're just so weird."

Well frankly, "No, that's not right." 

This statement should forever be imprinted on my hand every time I do something wrong.

God so loved the world that He let His only Son die for us.  

Note* He loved the world. World = EVERYONE. 

Not just me, you, your BFF, the fam bam, etc.. It was for EVERYONE, sinners & all. 

So to be a better person... it's loves.hugs.&.warm.fuzzies.for.everyone. No matter the drama, the history, rumors and all, loving someone at the most difficult time/in awkward situations/no matter the differences... that is the greatest gift anyone can give. That is being a better person. It is being a man/woman for others. 

And that's how you differentiate between the strong and the weak. The question is, are we willing to be strong? Can we give our love to those we don't like? 

Can we omit the word hate?

I'm trying to be a better person, which will be my life goal. And my quest to love will be an on-going journey. It'll be rough. There will be obstacles and struggles and when I hit the crossroads between the two different paths (to be strong or remain weak), I hope that God will help instill in me the courage and strength to choose love.

Mark 5:36

Trusting and putting my heart in HIS hands. 

Because that's all there is left to do. 

There's really no point being scared. You just have to trust and believe that all will be well. No matter what happens. It happens for a reason. It might not be what you expect, but it's probably for the better. 

Lately, all of my built-up stress has been unnecessary. After my meditative run on Friday, I have realized ONE important thing: I can only do my best and let Him decide if that's what I'm ultimately supposed to do with everything.