Hold on to whatever you find baby,

photo courtesy of Tumblr Photography

Who do you love... me or the thought of me?

Relationship 101 - complimentary of my COM 444 Public Relations and Society professor, Kathleen Fearn-Banks on the last day of class:

• Men are dogs until age 35.
• For those of you who are getting married within the next four years, you will say "I Do" and in the next two or three years will say "I Don't."
• For the mean time, don't waste your time with marriage. Spend your money on yourself - buy a car, a house and until you realize that you would not have to give up anything that you want in your life to be in the relationship, then commit.
• Those of you sitting in my class, you are the type that will not give-in all the time in a relationship, and neither should you settle for a partner who does as well.
• If you do choose to get married anytime soon, and one day you see me walking on the street and you realize that I was correct (which I usually am), then wink at me. For the past ten years that I have given this advice, I have gotten a lot of winks.

KFB, I don't really have much to comment in regards to your love lessons. Your PR and professional advice, however, that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll marry anytime soon. I might even take your advice (bullet no. 3) to heart. By that time, I'll probably be in my late 40s... but that's another side note. All I know now is that I'm about to enter spring quarter 2011. My last spring quarter of college... that means my last Greek Week (not that I fully partake in the early mornings of drunken debauchery), last Black Diamond Formal, last Greek Preview (i. heart. recruitment.), and soon at the end of this summer, my last recruitment and quarter at the University of Washington. 

Watching the series finale of "Greek" the other night put me in a little reflective mode. Casey Cartwright, former president of her sorority was finally leaving CRUniversity and taking her first steps into the real world. She was letting it all go; moving on. They showed some flashbacks to the first season and a re-cap of all of her relationships - friends, boys, school, sorority and self. As I watched this, I thought about mine. 

My time at UW has been one of the most invaluable experiences. 

Coming from Jesuit High School, a private high school in Portland, OR, I was surrounded by this preppy, protective bubble of conservative ideals and honestly, was such a work-a-holic that I never truly experienced "high school." It was all about involvement - from Varsity cheerleading, clubs, National Honor Society, Spanish National Honor Society, Student Government, Jesuit Ambassadors, Green Club, Diversity Club, and of course over 200 hours of volunteering. Did I ever take the time to breathe? No, I didn't. 

My freshman year at UW - I decided to change. Granted, my grades suffered quite a bit as I learned to juggle between school, sorority and my discovery of the college social scene (so fratastic). By the time sophomore year rolled around, I was on track again. Grades were a lot better, I was on the Executive Committee of my chapter serving as Recruitment Vice President, found a great group of friends/sisters and still had time to enjoy myself. Also, I began to involve myself outside of the chapter with on-campus clubs and discovered my innate passion and strengths in public relations - what I'm currently pursuing upon graduation.

Now, I am about to finish my winter quarter of junior year. What do I have to say for myself? Am I ready to leave UW - move on to the real world - let go of my sorority - be an adult? 

Well, my answer would be "yes" to all of the above. One thing I will say, is that during both my high school and college years, not once did I mention anything about love. That foufy noun/verb that many people cringe because they try to avoid it  - either due to their own weird relationship with their significant other or they are fearful of commitment. 

Personally, I just never made time for it. It was strange seeing my friends develop these boyfriend/girlfriend relationships in high school, when I was constantly thinking of other things such as projects, leaving high school and college. 

I will admit that I had a "thing" if you could call a three months of  - a guy following you around, trying to hold your hand in the hallway, sitting next to you at lunch, and calling you constantly  - a relationship. I beg to differ and would rather call it either puppy love or "being stalked."

These past three years, I have watched my friends get into relationships (some even their very first quarter of freshman year), break-up, get engaged/pinned (fratastic way of expressing love - he loves her more than his house), and/or rekindle the love with their high-school sweetheart. What did I do this time around? Did I learn anything from high school? Apparently, not. Evidence? Still single... a work-a-holic and little stress-ball (as some have nick-named me). Still looking into the future? As always... I'm a big-picture kinda girl. Detail-oriented, aggressive, type-a personality. It'll take Mr. Better than Average to handle me. 

According to a good friend, Elyssa: "You're intimidating, Amanda... you kind of have a 6 foot personality in a 5 foot body."

Thanks girl... I take that as a real compliment... but the intimidating part? I beg to differ.. I'd like to think I'm approachable. 

The next question is probably what did I do wrong? Well, if I knew then I would not be thinking about it right now, would I? IDK - the answer isn't right in front of me or anything. I will admit though. I have had my fair share of heart-breaks. Plenty of them too. I guess, I sorta fall head over heels a little too quickly because I just want things to work. Throughout my time at UW, I've had my heart broken two times. The first was just not meant to be.. it wasn't the right time. He was a bit older, needed to do a little soul-searching, and I had all my plans set out. Just wasn't a match. The second... well, that's a mystery I'll probably never figure out. The border of friend zone is an unfortunate area. Same interests, we know each other's quirks, get the other's jokes (even when they're not funny), and are able to have comfortable silence. But like all of the romantic comedies in Hollywood, He's just so difficult to read... For now, I'll just take the advice from "He's Just Not that Into You." 

As much as some people believe that I'm a hard-ass, a little demanding, and at times a control-freak.. inside, I'm a little maiden in distress waiting for her knight in shining armor.  

To answer John Mayer's question.. 

Who do I love? 

Am I looking for love or just the thought of it? 

_________________________

For now, I don't think a long-term relationship would be best. With an imminent graduation, internship in Atlanta this summer, and the possibility of re-locating after fall quarter... any sort of tie to Seattle would just complicate things and hurt both parties. So, I don't really know if I have an answer. I have a name in mind, but if I were to be smart, level-headed and to think carefully... I would have to stick with KFB's bullet no. 3. I might not be willing to give up my goals for his. 

With that being said, I'll just leave that line blank for now. Maybe before I graduate, I'll find an appropriate answer.

Til then, I'm keeping my heart guarded. 

Until I am able to feel completely vulnerable again,
have some certainty that it's real,
and feel that way about him 

then I'll offer up the key. 

"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" - John Mayer